This post is a bit different - So here we go...
I have never been a sporty person. As a child I loved figure ice-skating in Paris however we moved to the Australian tropics in 1979 so that was the end of that. When I was 11 years old in 1981 my mum purchased a pair of Red Stone Skates for me. Back then they cost a lot of money for a single mum. I loved them and realised how special it was for my mum to buy them for me. Every Saturday morning my mum would give me enough money for the bus and entry to a indoor skating rink called Skateworld. I loved it and would skate round and round in my own world, loving the music, the atmosphere, the arcade games, the rebellious feel and the freedom it gave me.
|My Old Red Stones - Still holding on to them...|
During my 25 year school reunion many of us talked of the old Skateworld days and I hungered to skate again but fear and shame lingered. A 42 getting back on skates? A bit crazy right? However the reunion also had an massive impact on me as I connected with my school bully. My Bully tormented me for 5 years with harshness and heartbreak on a daily basis. I disliked going to primary school as he eroded much of my confidence over those years which influenced the rest of my life. For 30 years I thought of him regularly and when school ended, I felt sick at the thought of bumping into him somewhere one day. When Dolly commenced childcare and had to deal with a few mean girls at the sweet and tender age of 3, thoughts of him invaded my mind more and more frequently.
|My Primary School Classrooms.|
Two years ago my Bully tracked me on FB and wrote an apology. I read the letter and sobbed for a few weeks and then ignored it. It hurt too much to deal with it. I was not ready and even though 20 years had passed since I last saw him, it still made me feel sick and anxious to hear his name, see his image or think of him.
During the organising of the school reunion I mustered my courage and answered his letter with a pounding heart. He made further apologies for all the hurt; we emailed. I shed tears. I tried to comprehend his meanness towards me and the impact he had on my life including my dislike of sports (he was the sport jock and gave me a terrible time regarding my clumsiness and always picked me last with angry words if I joined his team). I then had a need to speak to him, so he called and when I heard his voice I cried with a mixture of anger, fear, sadness, hurt, relief and a twisted need to be liked. This relief made me want to grab life and shake all the things I have been scared of. I have become more vocal, less fearful of speaking my mind and a have a need to be active. I realised I don't have to fear him and others like him mocking me anymore. I can be free of his hold over me and partake in sports if I want to. And if I get picked last, that's okay because I will not accept put downs as they do so. So with this need to be active, vocal and a show off too, I joined the local Roller Derby Team. Me... little scared Stephanie of anything physical joined Roller Derby! I can skate to my hearts content and bump into supportive tough girls at the same time! And I know that; if I can get over the meanest boy in my life, then I can do anything.
|Acting Tough Derby Training.|
This was not an Eco-Frugal post as such but it's a bit of insight into my inner workings and changes in my life. So now you know when I'm away from here it's because I might be at the gym trying to build strength or I'm skating around building speed. Including sport in my life also means a new expense. At first I was hiring my derby gear but quickly realised it was cheaper for me to purchase what was required. I also wanted Dolly to partake with me out of official training hours therefor I purchased a pair of skates for her too. Luckily they pull into 3 sizes so will last a few years. We now go for a skate on weekends in our local primary school grounds. Both Dolly and I love it and I give her those heart to hearts about bullies and tell her to show kindness and tolerance to others. Like any mum I want to protect her from Bullies and prevent her from becoming one.
|New Skates for Dolly Too.|
I'd love to know if you had a school bully that hurt you to your core? What happened and have you ever made contact again?
My bully and I are building bridges. It's been hard for me as I become demanding, wanting answers and clingy and then the next day I want no part of him. I'm sure time will heal me as I lick my wounds and find I don't need his attention anymore. But I will say that he has been kind and I can not fault the person he has become. His communication has been heartfelt and allowed me to go from angry to happy and I now need to come to full forgiveness.
Stephanie @ Frugal Down under.